am i making something? what am i making? what is my practice? when i get into the studio, what do i do? what are my interests? how do i explore them?
on one hand, i feel very new to creating. on the other, i can look back and see that i have been involved in many creative processes - those of others and my own. what is this confusion? is this just a part of the process of creating? is it always like this, no matter how many years you've been doing it - how deep you've gone within yourself and your practice? or is this a sign of being a beginner?
i'm starting to think it's a bit of both.
as i do more and more, i'm coming to realize that i need tools - i'm in a tool gathering stage. observing and absorbing how others explore interests and inclinations, develop vocabulary, build phrases. this feels like a beginning stage. but, perhaps one that i will revisit repeatedly as i grow and evolve, as i exhaust the tools i have already spent much time exploring. musically, i'm realizing i don't think i have an interest in making albums or writing music for others to play (in terms of my own self generated projects - not in terms of what i participate in of other people's projects), but that my personal interests in music are in conjuncture with other mediums. music to be experienced aurally and visually. and perhaps in general, i'm interested in creating living cinema - a filmic experience for live audiences. at times, feeling like you are watching a film in person, and also as though you are in the film - in the experience that is unfolding.
as i step into and own my creativity and desire to make, i simultaneously honor the groundwork i've been laying in this realm for the last 8 years, in particular, and realize that i'm a beginner. i've played music for many years in many contexts. i've danced for many years in many contexts. but i have not been flexing my creative muscles in a regular practice for very long at all. and it is a practice as much as any other.