Saturday, November 19, 2011

battle wounds

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

there is no substitute for time with chad

a few nights ago i had the great fortune of experiencing a work in progress showing of faye driscoll's latest piece: NOT...NOT. exploring definition(s) of beauty, investigating transformation through performance and the "slippage of the self"...all exquisitely communicated, so very satiating and right 'up my alley' - yet, the most powerful gift i took away from this experience was the reminder of the importance of time spent in the practice of your process...

i was so taken by faye and her counterpart, jesse zaritt's abilities to execute incredibly detailed, hyper-choreographed movements, expressions, sentiments, emotions...with striking precision while maintaining a feeling of real, unrehearsed, improvised. at one point during the piece, they faced each other wearing identical wigs and proceed to mirror each movement, expression, sentiment, even sound, as if one.

during the feedback / discussion part of the evening, someone asked faye about her relationship to these objects (referring to the pile of food, scarves, glasses, wigs, clothing, hats, and other miscellaneous items that had been utilized in various ways during the performance). she started by picking up one of the wigs from the mirrored duo saying, "well, there's chad...sometimes we spend a lot of time in chad...we can spend an hour in chad...sometimes it gets pretty weird!"

(she is incredibly charming on top of it all...)

this got me thinking about where i am in my process as a creator - as a generative artist - and especially where movement and non-violin dominant things are concerned...

i'll maybe brush up against chad - if i'm lucky - and then it starts to feel reaallly difficult. i look for distraction - maybe monica's next door, i should call my mom - that's part of this whole process of digging up the past, that's work...i eat a snack...i feel lost and like i just can't do it, like i don't know what i'm doing and have no business being in this space, with these opportunities...and then i feel so frustrated with myself because i know i have this thing trying to claw its way out.

it's in there. and it's massive. lifelong.
but it's in another language - one i don't quite speak.
i've felt completely daunted by the weight of deciphering because i've been missing what's right in front of my face. i've been looking for a shortcut...

there is no substitute for time with chad.

you can't wish or distract or skip your way around it.
there is no shortcut.
you just have to do the work.
you have to spend time with chad. in chad.
...lots of time.


face chad. face him head on. hang out with him. get to know him. swim around with him. do it more. and again. and again. and again. and again. and again. and again. and again...

yesterday's studio time looked very different then previous studio times of late. at the height of my panic / self-depricating slump, i decided to spend some time with chad...i set up some chairs and lights and my crappy android phone camera, placed a few cassette players around the space each playing a tape of a drone-y violin chord (which becomes this crazy delightful microtonal buzz once played out of the different old machines, each spinning at their own rate) and improvised around a simple score multiple times. over and over. back to back. without judgement. without reviewing in the moment.

it's raw. it's imperfect. it's many things...but it's real. it is where i am in the process. my process. and how great is that, really!? it just is. and it's certainly nothing to be so debilitatingly afraid and ashamed of. the real, raw, icky, beautiful process...

Monday, November 14, 2011



there is no shortcut around time spent in the practice of being in your process.

time and action - that is the formula.

have patience with yourself.

recognize that being in your process - where you are in your process at any given moment - IS everything.

it's a lifelong journey. be grateful for it.

what if there actually was this end point destination??
and you reached it...

those people you admire for really embodying something, for being masterful, for so clearly communicating through sound, movement, text, voice...they are where they are because of time spent in the practice of being in their process - and they're all searching and reaching for the next layer too...

there is no destination.
there is no shortcut.
you just have to do the work...